He Leads Me

This is a reference to my past, an acknowledgment of my present, and a nudge toward my future.

Some of my past years, I can’t run back to. My previous moments, I can’t recapture. Despite the mixed feelings I have about my past, the truth of its status remains unchanging—it’s over and done. There’s really no way to recover time; all those days, including yesterday, are gone.

A little throwback to the days when I would wallow happily in my self-indulgence. I moved along the path of ignorance and a narrow sample size of knowledge—a common theme among my scanty friends and classmates of those years. Sincere, beautiful times we had, but admittedly, all of those were as children. We were sets of faultless kids, capable of making lots of mistakes yet accountable for little.

Aren’t mistakes part of the evidence of living? You have to try before you can make one. If not for my sheer juvenile exuberance, all of my past misdeeds could have been avoided—all of the ugly experiences that make up my catalog today. How would you believe I was human if there was no proof of error in judgment even once in my life? I could be gutted about how things panned out and wish for a different turn of events, but no amount of coloring—painting with a brighter hue—can change the way things happened. No way to make them untrue.

Now, I’m all grown up. Grateful for all the blessings I have received in my life. I’ve been blessed with a beautiful family, supportive friends, unquantifiable gifts and potentials, and an out-of-the-ordinary mind. There is no iota of His blessings in and around my life over the years that I can deny. None.

Not that I am more assured of what tomorrow holds as to call a definite shot, but one thing has been steadfast and recurring about my life from the days of my youth—alongside His blessings, He has been leading me too. God has been leading me.

He has led me to paths, sometimes vague and foggy—so blurry that I don’t see myself traveling such roads for long. He has brought me to junctures full of questions and doubts. But one thing I know for sure is that He has what it takes to lead me rightly. And each time uncertainty sets in, I remember the sacred words: “Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil; for God is with me.”

Not that I am in a hurry to grow up—I just want to be clear on what my song will be tomorrow. What will tomorrow look like? There is a desperate urge to be sure of what to eat and what to wear even before the day dawns.

I wake up every morning, and sometimes, I’m stressed by my thoughts. So many what ifs. My thoughts gnaw at my peace. I find myself hinging on the precipice of despair. Yet, every time I reach out to Him for answers, He has just the right ones for me.

Some days, I just want the future to fall into place while I’m young, but He who leads me makes it clear that His timing is always right. I can only long for a quick turnover; I cannot dictate how and when. I have very little say in the affairs of my life because He leads me. Besides, He’s the One who makes everything beautiful in His time. His time, not mine.

I stand on my toes just to catch a glimpse of what the future looks like. I want retorts. I desire responses to the inquisitiveness that steadily rumbles in my mind. Unending inquiries. So many “God abeg,” so many “God when,” but despite all of these hazy times, I still trust in His leading. His Word, my comfort.

He said, “Be careful what you call impossible.” I am the Shepherd, and the sheep does not conclude a matter for her Shepherd. With my Leader, nothing is impossible.

For what His Word is worth, I no longer have fear for tomorrow. I know there are beautiful and expected latter years for me. I have never been more confident than I am right now. As I count up my years, I rest assured of what lies deep in the future. No panic. No stress. He will make good what He has said concerning me.

Whatever I desire to be in this life, I know my time will come. I draw my confidence from what He has told me. I know I will have more answers than questions by the time tomorrow comes around. I believe a time will come when my testimonies will overshadow my worries.

I am certain of these things because the sayings of the One who leads me are true. God is creditworthy. He has credibility. I can bank my future on Him. I can lay all my worries at His feet.

So now, what I have is not a dream—it is reality trapped in time, waiting for my reach. I pursue this reality, sometimes with clarity, other times blindly, but always with the confidence of a sleepwalker.

I don’t know what this kind of faith is called, but as long as it keeps me in the loop for grace and mercy, I don’t mind how long it takes—I will keep trusting Him who leads me in the path of righteousness.